Too Many Options

Getting out of the car at the gas station yesterday morning on the way to Portland for the interview was almost a joy since gas was at an all recent-memory low of $2.11/gallon.. That is $2.11 per gallon of 'regular 87 octane' fuel. I looked to see what the price of the good stuff was and was startled to realize that there was no 89 octane or the more expensive 91 octane.. Then it hit me, does the 91 octane do something magical to one's car?? Would it add horsepower to my 1989 Ford Bronco? What would the effect of the extra 10 cents per gallon have been on my 302 cubic inch, naturally aspirated engine that was made when Reagan was still president (it's amazing how much better my Bronco has fared than ex-presidents over the years). I am curious so I turned to the electronic mind reader in Google to provide me with some answers..

Answer.. "The octane rating of gasoline tells you how much the fuel can be compressed before it spontaneously ignites"..

OK.. That actually makes sense with the folks at "HowStuffWorks.com" doing another fine job of translating chemical techno speak into something this simple mind can understand. It also clears up what the meaning of 'knocking' is since most advertisements talk to a higher octane fuel helping a car get rid of knocking. I've never heard my engine knock. Not once. Not when Reagan was president, nor Clinton or when either of that fantastic father-son duo resided in the White house. Not once. So let's give the knocking promotion a rest. If you want to promote anti-knocking it's probably going to best to market it to the 1960's Camarao and Sting-Ray websites since apparently it is only the older US iron that has this problem.

So in fact, the higher octane fuel is only for the higher compression engines in the world which include the foreign import sports car. I get it..

It can "potentially lead to an increase in performance for older cars" according to our friends at "makehardshiteasytounderstandformorons.com". Not exactly the kind of hype giving me that "must have now" sensation along the lines of bovine America sending their $39.95 Dr. Agatston to become a member of the South Beach Diet club..

So I see the need for the 91 octane. The Mercedes guy and the Porsche guy need the good stuff. I get it. It makes sense. It also makes sense why it was not available at the Route 9 Citgo where a Porshe citing is about as rare as Mark Foley saying 'no' to the troup 44 scout leader appointment.

Then I asked myself the question about the other other stuff. The 'poor man's high octane fuel'. You know what I'm talking about here.. The 89 octane. Where in God's name does this come into play. If I'm a 49 year old attorney with a small dick and a and a life calvary consisitng of a red Porshe I'm not going to be too concerned about the extra 5 cents per gallon to get me from the 89 octane to the 91. If you've made the decision to go from 87 to 89 octane for whatever reason there is no reason not to step it up another notch. This would be akin to (damn the bluejays are blue here) the 425 pounder in South Carolina stopping at the large fry when the Supersize is only 13 cents more. It ain't gonna happen. Not until the carotted artery starts feeling like the esophogus with adams aple sized chunks of cholesterol standing fast on the arterial walls. I digress..

Bottom line. Get rid of the 89 octane. Get rid of the pump. Get rid of all of the 89 octane fuel tanks in the world. Stop it and stop it know. It makes no sense. It takes up more space and does nothing but confuse my small mind with one more options that I don't need.

On that topic, sitting at my mom's last night eating a Hershey's 'getting worse by the year' bar, I decided a glass of milk would complement the confection forgetting my intolernace of lactose would lead to a 2am surprise wake up call.. When alone I'm cool with this since my bed is of the dutch oven variety. Into the fridge my meat puppet goes to latch onto the 1/2 gallon HDPE plastic container of homogenized cow fluid to discover that the milk is one and one half percent fat. One and ONE HALF Percent Fat. Come on. Leave my milk options out of it. Hit me with a gizillion options on Cable to cram into my mind. Bombard me with 2,500 shades of white paint swatches at Home Depot that are practically indiscernable. But leave my milk the fuck alone.

It started with Milk and Non-fat milk. I get that.

Then lowfat milk. I sort of get that too..

Buttermilk. Still have no idea what this means.

'Lactose-Free milk'. I get that too although I'll never buy it. Why deprive myself of one of life's little miracles.

More recently it appers that low-fat milk has been replaced with 2% milk and the 1% milk is some sort of guilt compromise. But 1.5% milk. It has no place. It has no place. It's just another fucking option that has no place.

Pretty soon the milk racks at the market are going to be replaced with a contraption similar to the one a the paint department at Home Depot where I pick a milk and some tongue studded inaudible teenager is going to concoct (funny word) a special blend of milk (from either Holsteins or Jersey's) with varying percentages of lactose, fat and I'm sure a number of articficial flavorings including but not limited to vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, milk shake(whatever the fuck that is) and whatever else might possibly appeal to the 'we are marketing voodoo doll puppets' sensibilities of america in the mind of the aspiring corporate milk marketing guy. Only when there are more options of milk then rear entry films will corporate America's desire to fill that special niche be satisfied.

Gimme a cup of milk, a cookie a tank full of ethyl which I'll pay for with cash instead of 'credit or debit' and I'll be on my way.