Observations from Latitude 45

Rambling from an odd mind.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

The Clubhouse

There is a place somewhere within 30 miles of the Whitehouse known simply as the clubhouse. This is a place where Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Mike Brown and the other member of the “George Bush puppeteer club” hang out.

The clubhouse is the subterranean type with walls that 6 foot thick concrete for the obvious reason that stopping nuclear proliferation has been about as successful as the war on drugs and that in time any group with a million bucks and Khans protégé’s phone number will be able to make a significant contribution to the American experience in the form of a ½ kiloton nuclear bomb. The ceilings are the same height as the walls are thick at 6 feet which still gives ample headroom to its vertically challenged members.

The door to the clubhouse is made out of granite and there is a sign that reads, “No Girls allowed (that mean’s you Candy Rice)” who I’m sure they refer to as that “Hot and leggy savage”.

The floors are hardwood and the place smells of Cuban cigars since these guys obviously have the means. In fact, when they want a cigar they hit a button on a panel and a green light flashes at the Cohiba or Monte Cristo factory (depending on what button was pressed) prompting an underpaid Cuban woman to drop the next cigar rolled on her table into one of those vacuum tubes they have at the bank where it then placed into a pipe that shuttles it’s precious cargo to Dick or Don or Mike in a matter of minutes. I regress, it probably only takes a couple of seconds since I’m sure Halliburton, when constructing this piping system, used the same contractor that built atom accelerators for smashing atoms since they are Dawn’s (Rumsfeld) buds and could reap the benefits of another juicy pentagon contract.…

The only thing that saved us was that Smalldick (Cheney) doesn’t have the same penchant for his cigars as Clinton and didn’t require humidification in the piping system so his cigar which was pre-moistened by the Cuban woman didn’t dry out and deprive him of that particular taste.

Because of this my friends, this project, relative to what the democrats would have built in their project actually resulted in a cost savings to the American people. Thanks guys..

Back to the clubhouse. Looking around the main play room there are a variety of toys and gadgets. There is the requisite XBOX which is in fact turned on with the ‘Bomb Iraq’ game in the console. However, this particular game is a bit different than most since it is tied directly to the war machine in Pentagon.

Propped up on a chair in the corner is a life size puppet doll of George Bush that has one of those Howdy Doody mouths. This way the fellas can have practice sessions with the prez and rehearse how they are going to guide him to do whatever they want. They tire of this quickly since non-curious George is a simple mind and they figure things out in about 37 seconds. However, these guys are no dummies, so to make the most of their expensive puppet they had a material developed that stays warm and moist for 50 years. The material is based on a nuclear derivative as all things should be in the minds of these clubhouse players. This material was used to line the inside of the three inch deep puppets mouth (plenty of room) providing each of them another 24 seconds of pleasure.

By the way, this too is considered a cost savings to the American people since the same puppet is being used for multiple purposes.

Moving about the room we see two large dartboards. One has several different sized slices with names of several weapons used by our war machine and underneath the weapon name is the name of the manufacturer with the name of Dawn’s CEO good buddy next to that. There is small sign above the board that reveals to all that this is Dawn’s board and for his use only.

This board is used to determine which weapons we will use in our ‘peacekeeping’ efforts. What’s interesting is that out of the 27 slices on the dartboard two of the slices take up almost 93% of the pie with the other slivers completing the ring. Somewhere in there you remember that the names of the companies in the two big slices are the same two companies that Dawn sat on the board of directors for. This triggers an alarm in your mind. But that’s ok, because he’s cut all ties to these companies so the thought of collusion is not a valid one.

The other dartboard has the name of potential targets in Iraq and Afghanistan. Above this boards a sign reads, “Dick’s boards and for his use only”. The interesting things here is that every target on the board happens to be a target that would require US rebuilding efforts and strangely enough can only be rebuilt by one of two companies in the word. Haliburton being one of them. But that’s ok. Smalldick no longer has any ties to Halliburton so once again, the thought of collusion is not a valid one..

There is also a small study in the club house. On it’s shelves are several books.. Most are comic books. The big boy section has a few winners such as, “War for Dummies”, “The Road Less Traveled through my Fat Bank Account”, “Offshore Banking”, “How to Hypnotize the Small Mind”, “I’m OK, You’re OK as Long as you Never Ask a Question”, “How to Prune the The Legislative Branch” and first edition hardbook copies of every Hardy Boys Mysteries ever written since this is the kind of intellectual stimulation that will keep the steel-trap minds of these mental juggernauts sharp as a tack.

The impressive ‘The Art of War’ is also on the shelf but after closer inspection one can see that all the pages have been removed and replaced with “10 years of Oui”.

The most read book is of course Non-Curious George.

In the corner of the study, Brownie (as George refers to him. However, we’ll refer to him as Batter since things obviously weren’t baked all the way) is on a computer playing a game which appears to be a variety of SIMS. You’re relieved to know that it isn’t the SIMS variety where one tries to get laid (Chernoff kept that one for himself) but is titled “SIMS: Disaster Planning”. This has hope. Unfortunately Batter never made it past the first two scenarios to where an actual disaster ever takes place and could be simulated since scenario one was devoted to proper attire. He finally solved it by leaving it up to his secretary. By that time it was too late.

Next to the computer station is a plate full of chicken wings with it’s orange spicy sauce dripping off the plate onto the small table. But that’s no small table. That three and a half foot structure is actually the 47,343 page $245 million FEMA disaster plan. It still has that ‘never been read’ look to it. But how can you expect it to have been read when it is supporting such a precious cargo.

Dawn, Batter and Smalldick to you I say enjoy your time in the clubhouse. Smoke your cigars, read your comic books and skeleton fuck the prez puppet doll for all your worth. I have no ill feelings towards you since I’m sure your actions are simply the result of narcisstic parents that didn’t coddle you enough as children. It’s not your fault. It’s too late for any of you guys to go down in history as anything other than “Part of the worst leadership regime to serve the US” so relax. The pressure is off. There’s no need to ‘do’ anything anymore. So don’t.

No really, please don’t ‘do’ anything else. Just sit there and be good little boys.


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