Trix are for kids.. Beef is for man.

Living in an area limited to only a few radio stations I've found myself listening to NPR from time to time since Paris' Hiton's voice which is played 5 time and hour on the Top 40 station causes thoughts of murder and the Billy Cyrus station takes me more towards suicide.

NPR, known for their hanging S editorialists, does seem to take on a somewhat objective view of the news however beneath it lies a lefty undercurrent in my mind. The content can range from extremely good to a bit too folksy. Good would be Click and Clack. Bad would be "The Polka Hour" and "Vegetable Talk". Driving home from the opposite direction of downeast the other day which happens to be up the coast a news segment was airing describing a new label being placed on meat at the market when applicable.

This is the label "Animal Compassionate".

Driving on a country road I'm usually oblivious to anything being said on the radio except for the news when I am listening but this thought jumped into my zombie-driver mind and hit the pump on the neuro-excitement chemical gland..

"Please tell me I didn't hear that. Please tell me they are not going to try and label meat and poultry as 'animal compassionate'. Please tell me I didn't just hear this". Reality set in and I was in fact conscious and not in some liberal dream.

Mine was never the romantic variety but even I know that applying the word compassionate to a situation before something is mercilessly slaughtered is probably a stretch. Perhaps we say, "Sorry" before we run the sharp blade across the carotid artery of the livestock to let it bleed out which is the preferred method to remove as much blood as possible. Is there a priest there doing that hand trifecta and blessing the animal before it goes from a 1,500 pound majestic beast to a foam plated, saran wrapped, Animal Compasionate-labeled, body part identified soon to be sitting on a shelf in your local IGA (or several markets across the state) then to be bought, barbeqed and devoured item within the next three days.

I'm missing the compassion here.. So I listened a bit more to the hanging, lisping 's' news person. "Animal Compassionate" is used to describe livestock that meets several conditions on the farm. The first is no castration of sheep. I don't eat lamb so I really don't care too much about this one. However next time I'm chopping wood in my wool LL Bean trying to fit in Maine sweater I'm pretty sure I won't care if the animal that provided the wool had two balls or not.

The other requirement for 'animal compassionate' beef is that the cow are prodded only when necessary. This one blew my mind. I know several farmers and I'm pretty sure they don’t run around prodding livestock for the thrill. Watching a large animals nostrils flare up from a bit of pain might be the sport of a few sicko 'grew-up-raising-cows-and-now-I-hate all things farm' guys but I'm also pretty sure they are the exception to the norm.

After all, batteries are expensive.

Let me ask this.. How many sensitive carnivores are there in the world?...

It's pretty evident that I don't fall into this category since I'm the guy sticking the stethoscope into the pot of boiling water before we drop the lobsters in. I'm interested in things.

So it's pretty clear I'm not going to pay double for 'animal compassionate' meat. Nor am I going to pay the extra whatever percentage for food labeled with other winners such as "free farmed", "certified humane", "cage free" or "free range".

Man has been eating meat since Adam clobbered a pig on the head with a rock and had man's first luau. That's where the apple came from by the way. Eve stuffed it in the pigs mouth for decoration but dumb man missed the soft touch.

That’s just how it goes..

But then again I may be wrong. Perhaps the karma of the after life is dictated by how we’ve treated animals and not other humans during our existence n this life. Perhaps I'll be the one left standing in a cage allowed no movement for an eternity while a sheep cuts of the twins and a cow prods me.

Until then, I plan of enjoying a nice veal picatta this evening served with a salad comprised of lettuce and other vegetables that were ripped out of the ground by their roots served with a nice glass of wine produced from defenseless grapes that were crushed through a press.

But before I do so, I'll tip my glass and say thanks..